apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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