I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
