I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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