$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
