I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
