Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
