now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
