you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
