So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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