he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
