got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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