she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
