i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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