It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
