Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
