Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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