My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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