awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
