It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
