apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
