i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Let's paint friendship bongs
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think your dad took our porno
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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