My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
