also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
