It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
