Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
