my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
