There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
