i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Randomize
