my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
