I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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