i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So much rum. So many feels.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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