So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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