going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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