my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
