Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
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