It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
