There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
