Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
