So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
