We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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