Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
