I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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