So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
