I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
