Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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