Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
