True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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