You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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