My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
