i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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